What I've Always Wanted, Mwah Ha!
by phoenical-maniax
Summary: There's something Anakin's been wanting... A highly disturbing crack!fic with a VERY abnormal pairing, as far as I know anyway, and a cliched plot device to get Padme out of the way. You know you want to! o.O


OMG. What **is** this! I just can't seem to stop! I've been writing all day! pant The crackliness just seems to be pouring out of me. I find it highly disturbing that this kind of stuff can come from my brain. I mean, I've always thought I was a normal, fluff-loving, Harry/Draco forever kinda gal. But nooooo. This is what lurks within. Star Wars slash ahoy.

**Title:** What I've Always Wanted. Mwah Ha!  
**Author:** Punkheid  
**Disclaimer:** Nope, I'm not George Lucas. If I was, Padme would have had longer for that scene.  
**Genre:** Yes, that's right. **More** crack!fic.  
**Rating:** PG-13 for innuendo and language.  
**Pairing:** That's the surprise ;D Darth Vader? It's rather...unusual...though.  
**Warnings:** Slash and bucketfulls of highly disturbing crack. Also **spoilers** for Star Wars Episodes II and III  
**Summary:** There's something Anakin's been wanting...

---

The Emperor prided himself on being un-surpriseable. When Count Dooku had shame-facedly screamed for help, the Emperor hadn't batted an eyelid; he simply removed the offending lightsaber from the extremely pained orifice it had been stuck in. When Obi Wan had succeeded in injuring his apprentice he had called for action instead of exclaiming in shock. But well…When said apprentice had admitted what had been bothering him, the Emperor had had to withdraw his claim of un-surprisability. Sith Lords simply did not lust after Jedi. Especially not centuries-old Jedi. Small, green, centuries-old Jedi. He did not let his horrified amazement show however.

"Search your feeling Lord Vader. Do you know this to be true?"

Instantly Darth Vader's memory zoomed to answer the Emperor's question and he was once more in his apartments in the city.

---

"Oooohhhh Yoooodaaaaa," Anakin crooned softly into the pillow, drool dripping its delicate way over his smooth chin. He tossed between the satin sheets, his sweat dampening the cloth as in his mind he caressed Yoda's soft, fluffy, green, delicious, pointed ears. Under his loving strokes Yoda gently closed his eyes and hummed with pleasure. The sound seemed to travel straight through Anakin's eardrums to his blood system, which was zooming southwards. Luckily Padme was with Obi Wan, or what was already a rather sticky situation would have become….even stickier.

In his sleep Anakin had torn off his shirt and he was running his hands in small circles over his chest.

"Love you, I do," he murmured in a husky voice.

"Oh Yoda! I love you too!" he cried happily, throwing his arms around his bundled duvet, "We were made for each other! I'm so glad you feel the same!"

He then proceeded to energetically shred his duvet of its cover.

In the morning he awoke with pieces of fabric clinging to his teeth and encrusted drool coating his face.

---

Darth Vader was unfathomably grateful for his mask, which was hiding his crimson cheeks. His mind was already progressing through the rest of that fateful day.

---

Anakin shifted restlessly in the curved confines of his Council seat. Yoda was briefing Obi-Wan on his mission to dispose of General Greevus, his voice rising and falling softly. Anakin wondered what that voice would sound like crying out in passion, screaming, "Anakin, Anakin! More!" The young Jedi thanked the Force that he was wearing his cloak, shifted the fabric over his groin and let his eyes take the familiar pathway from where he should be looking to where he shouldn't.

He found himself glaring heatedly at Yoda's plain brown robes. Why the hell should they have the privilege of caressing him? Huh? Damn robes. They looked so smug. Self-satisfied little bastards. How dare they! Anakin growled low in his throat, bearing his teeth at the offending articles of clothing and wondered belatedly why the Council chamber suddenly seemed so quiet. He really should find out...but if he broke eye contact then that would mean the robes had won!

A gentle hand latched onto his shoulder as spittle began to gather on his lower lip and Obi-Wan wiped away the saliva with a section of Anakin's robe.

"Anakin. Anakin?"

The kindly voice of his mentor broke his concentration and with a wail he admitted defeat. Sobbing, he threw himself into Obi-Wan's terrified grasp, tears pouring from his eyes. The expression of their fellow council members was best described as "o.O". Yoda himself was grasping his staff and staring bemusedly at the hysterical Jedi.

With a petrified nod to his colleagues, Obi Wan dragged the limp body of his charge from the room.

A few minutes later he propped the young man against the wall by one of the huge windows overlooking the city.

"Anakin? What the…what the hell was that?" he quavered.

However, Anakin was still in no position to answer sensibly. He tried, he really did, but what came out wasn't his best English:

"N-n-nowww they think they haf him hiccup, they thi-i-ink that they have the right and they dooooooooooooon't! Cos it's not faaair! Why do they get him! Waaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

Once more Obi Wan found himself with an armful of sobbing apprentice. This time though he thought he understood.

"Is it Padme, Anakin? Do you still love her?"

Anakin stopped his mumbled ranting long enough to give Obi Wan a scathing look.

"Of course it's not that Master! That was resolved months ago. I've accepted it. We've both moved on."

"You have!" Obi Wan was shocked. He'd known that Padme had found someone else after the truth had come out; he couldn't really avoid knowing since it was him, but both he and Padme had been worried at Anakin's seeming lack of company.

Anakin ignored him, continuing to rant, "What do you think I am! Some kind of pervert! Like I'd lust after my niece! Ew!" Both men shivered, remembering the months that Anakin and Padme had spent together, unwittingly incestuously.

"So who is it?" Obi Wan asked curiously, desperately willing images of the possibilities from his mind. Moments later he realised both his mistake and the problem as tears once more leapt into Anakin's eyes.

"He has someone eeeeeeellllse!" the younger Jedi wailed.

Obi Wan was gobsmacked. "He!"

"Yes," Anakin whimpered, "I was trying to show them they didn't in the Council chamber but you broke my concentration!"

The sudden return of memory galvanised Anakin into action and he leapt for the confused Jedi, catching him in a strangle hold.

"How cooouuuuld you! sob Now he'll never be mine!"

Several bruises, screams and extremely painful connection of sharp body parts with soft body parts later, the two Jedi lay in a breathless heap against the wall.

"Come on Anakin," Obi Wan panted, "Who is it? It can't be that bad?"

The younger man sighed dejectedly and slumped further down the cool stone.

"Whatever. I guess you'll just have to wait and see."

"Oh? You're planning action?"

"Well after the show in there, it's obvious something needs done…" Anakin blushed furiously.

His master and faithful friend smiled and reached across the distance between them to pat Anakin's shoulder.

"Good luck, Anakin. And whatever happens, I'll be here for you. Now I really should get back to my briefing…"

As his master turned the corner Anakin felt his grateful smile slip as tears threatened. Why did this happen?

---

Drifting back from his memories, Darth stood to attention; facing his master.

The Emperor stared at his from under the shadows of his cowl, stroking is chin with one warped hand.

"I see your mind is made up, Lord Vader," he murmured, glancing downwards.

His apprentice felt his skin burn anew and swallowed to disguise his discomfort, "Yes, Master." Another swallow .

"Well," the Emperor smirked, "can't have you unfulfilled can we? Come, I have a plan."

---

Yoda was pissed off. First his carrots had mysteriously disappeared from the alcove he stashed them in, should he perchance fancy a munch. Then, the new delivery was late. It should have come hours ago, but no, he was sitting on his balcony, stomach rumbling, experiencing the most extreme cravings he'd had in his life. Hearing his door open – "At last!" – the small Jedi rushed forward. The delivery boy looked a little different but in his carrot-deprived haze Yoda didn't really notice. Instead he dived on the small bag held in the outstretched, black-gloved hand. As he tore into the orange vegetables, the tall stranger gave a whimpered moan. Peering around the enormous carrot he currently had jammed in his mouth, the ancient Jedi raised a fluffy eyebrow. This appeared to be the last straw for the black-clad man, who promptly leapt upon the smaller being, sending the precious carrots flying.

Had someone been outside, they would have heard muffled screams ("My carrrrrroooooooootttttttts!"), thumps ("Ooooh…so you like it rough?") and squeals ("Skywalker! But, the Dark Side you have --- mmphh!") gradually changing to soft rustles, rather like clothing, murmurs and pants.

Much later, that same listener, if they had been good at their job, might have caught a sultry whisper:

"A fetish for peeling flesh, I've always had."

---

Apologies for the forced Padme theme but I needed an explanation. Hopefully I'll be able to think of a subtler way of putting it in the future but at the moment my fanfictionideas areto my brain like birds are to a huge slavering monster: they're terrified of what I'll twist them into if they venture near.


End file.
